What might adopting a special needs child do to you,
emotionally and relationally?
It might make you want to lash out in anger (however
unjustifiable) at a five year old girl on the playground after she repeatedly
comes over to the stroller to stare at your daughter’s head - half-shaved
head from recent surgery -rotting teeth that can’t be fixed just yet, and
withered legs. She declines to
reciprocate the multiple “hellos” and waves that your daughter is offering
her. You tell this girl that your
child’s name is Bella, and she’d love to say hello, then watch the girl shake
her head, give one more disapproving look, and walk away. After your tender-hearted Bella looks at you
and, while pointing at the girl, says “Mama, no hello” and begins to cry, you
might use every ounce of grace you can muster to just shut up and not turn into
bitch mom right there by the slides.
You might also be moved to tears by another child, a nine
year old with a level of love and compassion in her heart that many adults
never achieve. This nine year old, who
also happens to be adopted, wrote such kind words in Bella’s birthday card that
it has become a treasure to be saved for Bella to read herself one day.
It might compel those you know to avoid eye contact (or any
contact) with you when you go to a birthday party with your kids or walk into
church. It might also compel those you
know (or barely know) to seek you out when you go to a birthday party with your
kids or walk into church. Sometimes you
might walk out feeling uncomfortable, isolated, or hurt. Other times you might walk out with a full
heart, one that has been flooded with feelings of relief and thankfulness.
It might cause you and your spouse to argue over ridiculous things – like whether his way or your way is the BEST way, or even
worse, the ONLY way to position your completely dependent child on the
toilet. I mean, let’s face it, as long
as the pee goes in the bowl it should be considered
mission-accomplished. Later you might
look at your spouse and say “Did we really argue over that – again?” I am not saying this has actually happened at
our house, just that it MIGHT have :).
You and your spouse might get frustrated with each other because there are inevitably things you won't see eye-to-eye about. But when you see your husband teaching your adopted child how to play the ukulele or hear her say "I want Daddy" it might also cause you to thank God that he is the one you are doing this with.
It might make you keenly aware of how fragile the human body
is, and how amazing the human spirit is, and how quickly things can change –
every. single. day. And you might come
to realize what a good thing this daily reminder is. It is not a curse or a burden, it is a
BLESSING. Because you begin to
understand that so many things you worry about are frivolous and
insignificant. When you begin to realize
this, you start to loosen your grip on those things and turn more of your
attention to the things (ie. people) that do matter. You might go out and enjoy watching your kids
play in the backyard today because you know that you could be at the hospital
with a child who has broken a hip or needs neurosurgery tomorrow.
It might help you forge relationships with women you have
never met in person. But you know your
hearts are forever intertwined through special needs adoption. Some of them are doing what you are doing,
some are doing things that are so much harder.
All of them inspire and encourage you.
Some of these things might happen.
It has all happened to me, and we’re just a few months into this
journey. I would not change it – not the
sorrow and definitely not the joy (and the joy far outweighs the sorrow!).
